What I Want, Have, Need

What I Want

A break

a vacation in tropical paradise

to be served a meal made with love

to be respected

a healthy, happy family

financial stability

to be anxiety free

to sleep well, every night

handheld sunsets on the beach

to not feel lonely

to feel loved

to be surrounded by smart, funny, loving people

people to honor the tiara I secretly wear

to be admired

to be recognized for all the hard work and sacrifices I’ve made

to feel like I can rest, finally

to feel like I made it

What I Have

anxiety

debt

loneliness

self-doubt

dinners alone

work to forget the life I’m not living

fledgeling dreams

a life only led in books

no bestie

the one little break I was looking forward to cancelled

nothing to look forward to

proof that dreams don’t come true

a heavy heart

a feeling of hopelessness

What I Need

someone’s time

attention

a break

inner peace

self love

companionship

to know everything is really going to be ok

a deep breath

to feel good about what I see when I look in the mirror

to actually look in a mirror

and know

it’s going to be ok

Instead

I read

I write

I cry

I loathe

I silently scream

I pretend

I exist

From the Demons...In the End, We Can't Win

Let's make sure, she's in pain
That she always has something
That can rob her of sanity giving sleep.

Let's also be sure her heart aches,
Her stomach quakes,
That she feels alone and burdened.

Let's ensure she second guesses
Every decision she's ever made...
Every yes, every no, every hesitation.

Let's make sure she's exhausted
And that when she does need,
The person she hesitantly reaches out to is away,
If even momentarily.

Let's make sure we beat her down,
Stall her will,
And preoccupy her mind with every possible "could go wrong."

Let's climb on her shoulders,
Tie weights to her journey,
And tie one hand behind the other.

Only we know,
In the end,
We can't win.

Her will moves her forward
Even when she doesn't know what
She, herself is capable of.

Her so-called waning faith will carry her through to the faint light in the distance.

Her fight is stronger than we know.

So torment, yes we can,
Defeat her...alas...no.

Anxiety...You Bitch

Anxiety is a real, true, utter BITCH. Yes, I said bitch because only a female could be as conniving, backstabbing and messy as Anxiety. Her ability to wake you in a cold sweat by bringing your fears to the forefront on repeat, as if it’s your favorite song, is a skill only females have mastered. She can sweet talk her way into your chest until you feel as if the weight of the universe is settled there and you can garner no more than a straw’s worth of oxygen, just enough to keep you from literally dying: though you have already died a thousand times in your mind because of Her.

Anxiety worms her way through to your soul, particularly when the clock ticks it’s loudest in the hours where the the moon is at it’s fullest and the nocturnal animals are on their jobs. She wants you tired for the next day so her work is easier. So that She can weasel her way into your forethought and so that you suddenly feel like not living would be easier than facing her again.

Guess what, Anxiety. I am a bitch, too. Strong willed, strong arming my way through a world whose mantra is that women like me, women period, are second best, second string and for some, second veiled without the freedom to walk down the street. I am a bad bitch who would rather walk alone than compromise what I know to be my truth whether it is The Truth. But then, She comes along and creeps into my otherwise peaceful dreams distorting them into dark sounds and eerie sights. She comes into my waking moments making my heart race as if I’ve just been told to run for my life. She fills my head with all of the things that could go wrong because so many have gone wrong and is somehow able to overshadow everything that’s gone just right.

Oh, you bitch. NO amount of prayer or meditation or medication can remove you forever, only tame you into temporary submission. It is my blood to fight until my last breath so me and you will remain adversaries of the ages. Know this, bitch, I do not quit. So...leave...me...the...fuck...alone. I will no longer be easy prey. I DO NOT stop and you are NOT my master. Keep swinging, though. I know you will often connect and have one heck of a left hook. But know that I fight whenever, wherever, however it needs to be done and I will not ever stop. Bring it, Bitch. My tiara and sword will be right here, not running, but standing firm.