Being Forty-Four

One kid drinks daily coffee

And the other is growing a “goatee.”

What in God’s name does that say about me?

Am I old enough to be the mom of these two,

Passing wisdom and sometimes judgement

Just to name a few?

Both looking down at me, now I’m the small one.

Am I ready to have such an amazing daughter

And and almost grown up son?

Forty-four isn’t that old,

It’s double digits,

It’s eleven.

Still playing,

Knowingly paying for shenanigans

And other transgressions.

But sorry, Go back

No way. Not me.

Never do I want to return to, say, 23.

Back then I had my way all planned out

Didn’t know much of what life was really about.

Didn’t know I’d make it through

Grief,

Anxiety,

Depression,

And pain.

Through moves,  

Being broke,

That feeling of being stuck out in the rain.

But, Im still here at forty-four.

Brighter, better than before.

With age comes crown-wearing wisdom

And a regal beauty no one can ignore.

Or at forty four, we’ll quickly tell you

To get the hell out the door.

So coffee and goatee,

My babies you will always be.

Be proud you have a momma

That knows she’s enough.

And to her, there’s more than what you see.

Being forty-four is alright with me.

A "Feel Good" Challenge...

A sweet, former student of mine, that I've grown to admire, respect and look forward to witnessing her oozing awesomeness, recently including me on a social media "Challenge" to post photos of some feel-good moments. 

Sadly, my immediate reaction was, "Oh, heck no," "I don't have any good pictures, " "I look too ----------" (fill in the blank,) "in all my pictures." 

What happened to the girl who used to photobomb before that was en vogue? What happened to the cheesy grins, jumping over shoulders and pushing people out of the way to be seen? When did the camera become the enemy and perfection seem like a realistic option? The quest for the perfect photo to make me look (fill in the blank) or no photo at all. You know what that means, no photo at all. No birthdays, goofy moments with the kids, and only tolerated momentous occasion like a graduation or wedding. 

So what does this accomplish? Stolen moments from the big and little people that actually love the me I'm not so sure about? God forbid, I leave the earth in what most consider a premature fashion...what will they have then? How will I learn to love the bad hair days, smile lines, chunk factor here and there, if I hide from myself? How does my journey continue when something as simple as a camera makes me cringe, duck and dodge. 

Mommas, what are we doing to ourselves? Is it a crime not to look like we did 20 years ago? And a real truth, we are still rock stars and "that girl" is still in there. No matter the hairstyle, clothing or poundage. The sparkle in our eye, warmth of our smile and glow is still there. You, we, she are beautiful inside and out. 

So ladies, take that photo. Pose, toast, cheese, strut and show these little girls what being a proud, strong, sexy women is truly all about. TAKE THE DAMN PICTURE without hesitation or reluctance. Tell that inner doubtful bitch to sit down and sling that crap at a truly worthy cause, like someone interfering with your rights or your babies. 

And truth is, to everyone that loves us, everyone that matters, the picture is perfect (with the exception of closed eyes, hair blown cock-eyed, blur and the weird look on your face...those are legit vetoes and auto-retakes). Truth is, those that matter are awed by you simply being you. Even when you think it's bad. To those that matter, you are Goddess, beauty, class and sass intertwined. Work it, girl! 

"Re-Birthdays"

Birthdays.

While you're only born of a woman once, and can be born again, in the religious sense, birthdays are an opportunity, a reminder, that you can rebirth yourself as often as you set your mind to do so. Rebirth as frequently as each first opening of the eyes upon waking, but at a minimum, it should occur on your yearly anniversary of simply being you.

Each birthday is an opportunity to reflect on everything from your annual contribution of carbon emissions, to what your internal energy focus has been the past year. Was it spent in the service of others? Was it solely focused on what you feel life is short changing you? Did you make random acts of kindness a priority and face challenges with ferocity and grace? Or did you crumble into particles when yet another proverbial monkey wrench blazed a course toward your head and your heart? 

Why not use each birthday as a reminder to reflect, reconnect and recommit yourself to those deep down, soul stirring values that keep you on the path toward personal enlightenment and fulfillment? Use that particular day on the calendar to clear your lenses of cloudy expectations and hone in on what your heart is calling you to do. Live your best life, love those around you whether they have earned it or not and let laughter resound throughout your spirit. 

My birthday wish for you...and a reminder for me. Happy "Rebirth"Day!

A Homecoming for SHE...Finding the Fierce that Once Was

Where is that Girl?

Because she held her head high, sounded more like a valley girl and actually loved any body of water, she was called a “stuck up, Oreo,” by the girls who looked like her and was treated like a question mark by those who didn't. Heads turned as she almost glided through the halls, dressed either to the nines, in sweats, uniform or anything that made her different from the others. It was the way she carried herself that set her, what those of the male persuasion called, above the rest. Some said it was her smile and for others, it was her eyes and the way they looked straight into your soul.

For her, it was deciding nothing and no one would keep her from being anything short of unique and incredible all wrapped into one. The best or nothing with fierceness, class, sass and fire. For her it was about futures with no room for error.

Her workable plan came to fruition with the the expected highlights of hard work. A budding career, the proverbial two children and two of America's favorite canines, as close to a picket fence as suburbia would allow; the American dream personified until she stopped to think about what really mattered. 

A hole in her heart. A void where friendships, laughter, and bliss should have been was filled with grief, loneliness and questions about all those sassy sacrifices in addition to all the, “No, I must waits,” “I can’ts,” and “I don’t deserve it’s,” took hold instead. A place where the woes of unemployment, loss of loved ones and the unimaginable pain that comes with that along with impossible expectations clogged what should have been an abundance of vacation memories, empty bottles of wine with girlfriends that she never nurtured relationships with, which left her entering her forties asking, “What did I do wrong?”

Where had the passion and fire gone?  In what was supposed to be the best of times, pain and regret pervaded and “get through” and “serve others” became the mantra. And she did that, for a bit. But the pain reared it’s ugly head with a vengeance as life continued its barrage of gems.

A few from her past resurfaced to remind her of who she was while a spark inside continued to flicker with a gradual increase in presence. Trying to remind herself SHE is still there and that SHE wants out. That SHE is still a fighter and that SHE has not let the fire die completely, in spite of the thunderstorms both internally and worldly inflicted. SHE wants to come home.

Welcome home, my true love, my first love, my SHE. Look out. SHE is no joke if I remember correctly.

In Honor of Women's History Month...

We roll with superhero status on the daily.

Yet, we are thought to be the weaker of the sexes.

Let a car run over our child and see how easily we toss that car off our or anyone else’s baby.

Let someone invade our home and watch us defend it like Special Ops.

Let someone hurt our feelings and they will never forget the sting of our retaliating words.

The belly stretch marks the media tells us must be hidden in shame

are really tiger stripes showing that we brought another human into this earth.

ANOTHER human being,

That we nurse and raise and fiercely protect with every breath we have until we have no more.

We learn, we work, we teach,  we toil, we stay quiet.

We are so strong that sometimes we let you believe we are weak in order to nurture your little ego.

We are queens,

We are mothers,

We are lovers,

We are she.

So don’t tell me what I am supposed to look like,

That I am or am not beautiful in or outside,

Don’t tell me I’m not thin enough, tall enough, blonde enough.

Don’t tell me I’m in the wrong clothes, that my heels aren’t high enough,

That I am not enough.

A little piece of Gaia thrives within each of us female types,

HERstory shall be told,

Because we are SHE that rules the world.

Girls of all ages...Womanhood welcomes you and the world needs you.

To learn more about our lovely sisters, please visit http://womenshistorymonth.gov/.