I feel like I'm being squeezed from the inside out. My own anxiety has me feeling as if someone is standing on my chest with 29 more people waiting in line behind me to pounce the moment I think I can get up. My head is being squeezed from the outside in. My heart is racing and breaking all at the same time. My mind wants to say it's ok, but is being out shouted by the snare drum that has become my heart.
This is not ok. This should not be allowed. This is me so many days that's sometimes I wish there were no more days and the the pressure and pounding would just stop since it seems it only teases at slowing, rather than calms, in waves.
Anxiety overtakes so that the simplest solutions to current and the ever pending scenarios my mind has created in technicolor and Dolby sound are over taken, over run and over done in my mind. The sleep I crave and need to temporarily escape is visited by scenarios that only nightmares can create confusing my day walking with the fears of the night.
Tears want to fall, but even fear keeps them from reaching their destination because they are interrupted by new things that make even filling my lungs a challenge.
A "child of God," you say, "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "when it rains it pours," "count your blessings," "think gratitude," "be in the moment." All of these earthly proverbs have been ingrained so deeply they regularly make an attempt at appearing billboard size in my mind, only to be destroyed by the lightening storm of all that is bad, could happen, self-imagined worst case scenarios in need of solutions that seem impossible because the problem doesn't exist, yet.
This just sucks. Anxiety sucks. Why do I choose to live in fear? How do I stop a physiological response supported somewhere in the depths of my mind? How do I make it stop? The outward attacks are inevitable. How do I learn to stop those from within? Anxiety, I called you out once before. You're a strait up bitch.
